I Want...

The girl at the window in front of me is covered in tattoos. A snake inked on her arm escapes along with her bra strap. Her hair is twisted in a sloppy knot at the base of her neck. She smells. The receptionist chastises her for being an hour late. I take a step back as she turns to towards the waiting chairs, her pregnant belly straining the seams of the stained purple tank top she wears for her appointment with the obstetrician.

I judge her. I judge her hard.

I swallow and take a deep breath at the same time, causing my words to come out as puffs of air. I try again. This time my words come out all at once without pause or punctuation.

I'mheretosignthepapers.

I try again. I give the receptionist my name.

Surgery. August 18th...hysterectomy...

I still falter...

I glance over at the tattooed girl again, she is now talking on her cell phone. I decide she is talking to the father of her unborn baby. I decide he is covered in tattoos and smokes in the house. I decide that their baby will cry loud and often. I hear him telling her to make that kid shut the hell up. I decide their baby will sit often in dirty diapers. I decide...

Here are the papers, just sign here and here.

She points out the places where it states that I understand that the removal of my uterus means I will never have another child grow inside me. I will be barren. Empty. Removed. I wonder why I am made to sign these same papers each time my surgery is rescheduled? I wonder why I still blink back tears each time? I sign. I ask what the date is.

One more period until my surgery.

I say it out loud, and she just looks at me. What is she supposed to say in return? We exchange an embarrassed smile.

I turn to leave and take another look at the tattooed girl. I have an urge to go to her. I want to ask her for her baby. I want to tell her what being a mother means. How silly I am, how stupid. I want to make her sign a paper saying she understands what it means to be a mother. I want to tuck her bra strap into her shirt. I want to smooth her hair.

I want.